There are some things in life that make perfect sense, until we actually think them through. Like for real.
For years one of these things for me was the natural kick I got when a man/guy found me attractive. I mean who doesn’t grin inside when a guy gives you a second glance. The thing with this reality is that it never stops there.
Truth be told, we were taught to rely on this somewhat fickle self-esteem booster from a young age. Often I hear parents ask their little girls if that there is their boyfriend. In my heart I always thought this to be cute, but more recently my head says, “Gracious, that may just have been the start of this beautiful little girl’s chase after attention”.
There is something deep in the heart of every woman, a desire to be told and known to be beautiful. We crave it from the moment we can say the word, and I don’t think I’d be wrong to say that we take this to our deathbeds. Am I beautiful? Am I worth fighting for? Am I enough?
For me this innate desire was highlighted through my school years. I think it’s safe to say, that while my few long-lasting relationships brought great joy (and sorrows) they were ultimately there to reaffirm my beauty & in that, my acceptance. I was accepted. Or was I????
You see, while I thought that being loved by a man would fulfill me, I missed the very essence of what love even is. Even amidst some healthy relationships, I felt this deep longing for more. Love from a guy just wasn’t enough. And so it became the argument we often had; the thoughts in my head that I would throw out, sometimes even controlling or manipulating, all with the single purpose of them saying it again, I love you. My relationships were not the only thing I leant on, there was performance too. Doing well in something meant affirmation, which meant acceptance. And that’s all my little heart desired.
My faith was there through this long struggle (for the most part a unrecognised struggle). God was my saviour and strength, but my identity was still caught up in here and now. This place. Ever-changing. Ever-striving! Until the shit hit the fan, and I came face-to-face with everything I was, and wasn’t. I took a few months ‘off life’ to reflect, to dig deep, to search…and to discover. (But that’s a story for another time)
After a few years of shifting my focus, my energy and thoughts towards the bigger picture. My identity being found in the eternal, I recently (about a year ago) had a ‘fat day’ (girls, you’ll know what I’m talking about), and after proclaiming to my husband that I felt fat, he replied with a simple “Spec, when last did you spend time with Jesus?”
My immediate reaction was SHOCK, then BITTERNESS, and then the tears came. His words could not have hit a deeper chord within me. He nailed it. While I hoped, even longed, to hear these words from him, he wasn’t going to give them. Not because he doesn’t think I’m beautiful. He does. But rather because he too has come to this realization that his praise will never fulfill the heart of his wife. That void was made for one man only. The creator. My creator. Your creator. God. Jesus. For years I had relied on acceptance, approval, my looks and achievements to try and fill the void inside, the one that begged for the words only He (God) could utter.I love you. Enough to die for you. You were chosen. Created with utmost purpose and intention. You are mine!
I don’t admit to have it all right, or figured out even, but I do know that I’ve tested every option and there is nothing that can give us greater purpose, than the guy who made you in the first place. He gets you. All of you. And He made you just the way you are, for a purpose that no one else can fulfill.
You are chosen. You are loved. You are accepted.
Let him answer these questions. Your boyfriend, husband, job, sport, weight or looks will never come close to giving you the kick that you’ll get when you start to walk in a deep knowing, that YOU are loved. Deeply. By your creator! Like
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