Tears. The single word that captures the past few months of my life. From tears of joy & absolute pride watching as my kids hits various milestones, to tears of exhaustion and even tears of longing for a life of my own (again) and then more tears of guilt for ever having thought that. Tears.
Being a mom of 2 is nothing like I expected. It’s more tiring, more rewarding, more humbling & more heart-wrenching than words could ever explain. In one hour, my heavily hormoned body can reach moments of ecstasy followed by sighs of utter desperation. We were blessed with 2 babes (18 months a part) with a big set of lungs, gorgeously expressive faces, amazing muscle tone (so our paed tells us) and high levels of energy (much like their parents, I suppose). Sarah & Noah are wonderful. Sarah & Noah are perfect. Mom is absolute besotted. And mom is tired.
After a week of rushing into casualty with a baby with a temp of 41.4, prepping for Mama Magic this weekend, months on end of sleepless nights and now having spent every free waking moment this week marking Varsity papers, I sit here today, breathing slowly, possibly for the first time in a week. There is nothing as all consuming as motherhood is. Nothing to date has pulled on my heartstrings in such a deep and real way before. Never have I known love or tiredness to this degree.
We’ve had a rough few days with our babe, and being my number 1 priority, I have given him my all; my time, energy, tears and sleep. I am highly A-typed in personality; I see responsibility not as privilege but a deeply innate duty. In saying this, responsibility is a beautiful value to hold in high esteem, but there comes a point when we are willing to sacrifice our own sanity for responsibly, we take hold of mommy guilt and we wear it proudly as we moan of tiredness, fat-ness and crave some alone time. And it is at this point that we need reminding of how the world really works.
You see, last month, I had this, ‘I am okay’ mentality. Well, I thought that I was okay until I got home exhausted one day from work and couldn’t bring myself to get out of my car and MOM. I spent a good hour sobbing, mainly from mommy guilt. And as the tears rolled down my cheeks, Jesus whispered a beautiful truth into my longing, sore and very tired heart. He said that I was a good mom. That I had handled this so well… but that now it was okay to get others to help me. He said that that was actually what He wanted. What He planned all along. He never meant for me to ‘mom’ alone. A child is raised by a village, He reminded me. And that that, was okay. I was still a good mom. The very best for Sarah and Noah. The last truth that He placed on my heart was a deep-knowing that by sacrificing my sanity, I was in fact hindering my babes, not helping them.
After this hour of conversations with my inner voice (Jesus, I call him), I eventually sat down with my mum, and later husband, and poured out my heart. My desire to actually enjoy my life again, and not to live permanently tired or run down.
My darling friend, whoever you are reading this, if you are like me and carry the world on your shoulders, please know that it’s okay sometimes to take the load off & to share it, even. You are no failure, no less than the best, in fact, dear one, this shows even greater strength than you already portray.
I’m not going to pretend that I will never again get sucked into mommy guilt and try to DO IT ALL, it will be back, I know it will. But for this season, I have given myself space to breathe and in doing this, I have created a mentoring program for mums who, like me, need a bit of nudge into redefining their life as mom. This course is all about YOU learning to LOVE your life again, put boundaries in place, let go of mommy guilt and become the BEST mom and well, human, around!! The program is all done from the comfort of your home, but space is limited as I want it to be intimate and a supportive online space!!
You can SIGN UP HERE, Beautiful! I’d LOVE to work with you <3
You are deeply loved.. just as you are.